Not This Time

It's been many months since my stomach acted the way that it is now.
And it's been many months since my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest.
It seems as though my heart, my stomach, and my soul are all inexplicably interconnected.
I used to be able to hone in on you.
Kind of like seeing the light of a star even though I am billions of miles from it.
But over the past few months, I couldn't seem to break through.
I thought you had left.
I thought you were living on sunny beaches in sunny places, dating some brunette with a penchant for being simple.
Some brunette who doesn't even know what penchant means, actually.
But no.
Something far worse has happened.
It took me a long while to get used to the idea of you being gone. 
But I did it.
I had to.  For my own sanity, I had to.
And for the first time in over 9 years, I was over you.
And then I hear what you are doing to yourself.
And I hear that you are tempting fate in the most unwise way possible.
Stick a gun to your head, my love.
Because with every prick of that needle, what you plan to do is far worse than blowing your brains out.
I know that you have never thought that you deserved my love.
I know that you think that I would be ashamed of you.
And I tell you this now, hoping that you will hear me:
Never once in the decade that I have known you,
Never once in all of the thousands of hours we have spent side by side,
Never once in all of the times we kissed and laughed and cried,
Have I EVER been ashamed of you.
Never once.
And I sure as hell am not ashamed of you now.
I am, however, completely and totally terrified.
I don't think I have ever been this scared in my life,
Nor have I ever been more determined to seek you out and wrench the syringe from your hand if need be. 
I have a duty to myself to save that precious sanity of mine that I spoke of earlier.
And I cannot do that with you six feet under.
I will not play the widow in this tragedy.
I refuse.
And that is exactly who I would be.
The grieving "wife", collapsed on top of your grave, beating the earth with her fists and begging God to tell her why.
"Why didn't he see?"
"Why didn't he try?"
"Why didn't he listen?"
"Why didn't he........."
So if you think you are going to get out the easy way, you are sadly mistaken.
I don't give up easily and I won't give up on you.
We may never be together ever again,
At least not in this lifetime.
But I couldn't care less about that.
We may never love one another like we did in years past,
But that ultimately means nothing.
Because if I have to,
I will drag you back from St. Peter's gate or the 9th Circle of Hell.
And there is not a damn thing you can do that will stop me.
I love you too much to watch you slip and fall beneath the waves of this.
I know that I alone cannot save your soul. 
But I can sure as fuck try.

This Is Kind of An Emergency

I went to the hospital today to get my cast taken off, and while I was there I saw one of The Ex's old friends. I found out that he is now shooting up meth. He is living in the mountains with a crazy girl who never lets him see anybody or do anything, and she's an addict, too. I have decided, and am in the process of, ratting him out to the cops. It's the only way he's going to stop. If I lose him, part of me will die with him, and I will no longer be who I am right now. If there is ANYTHING that you can do to help him get caught and put in jail, please do it, prayers, thoughts, spells, whatever. This world does not work without him in it. He is one of my soul mates, a man that I would literally die for if need be. I do not have it in me to water his grave with my tears, nor do I have it in me to act as the grieving widow at his funeral. Please help me. I am begging you to do this for me. If he dies, I die inside, too.

Thank you.

(no subject)

So here we are again.
We've come full circle. 
There seems to be a disturbing and flawed pattern here. 
We talk, we laugh, we flirt, we love, we leave, we cry.
And that's how it is.
I suppose we could do this for years, really.
Oh my god.
I  just had an epiphany.
Lightening has just struck my brain.
There was a time, not too long ago, when I thought you were too good for me.
And I just now realized,
This very second,
That's not the case at all.
I'm the one who's too good for you.
I'm the one who loves without question and asks for nothing in return.
Not you.
Because I don't think you know how.

  • Current Music
    The Cure
  • Tags


Well, I've always known I was kinda psychic, but damn........

  • Current Music
    Apocalyptica- Amplified

Quiet As A Mouse

Have you ever noticed how we tip-toe around certain things?
Like if we put our feet out and touched these things, something truly horrible might happen?
Like the floor might fall out from under us.
Or the Apocalypse would come knocking on our door.
Have you ever noticed how I hide it all?
How I smile and laugh and pay no attention to the fact that I'm third in line?
Am I even third in line?
Or is it more like 4th or 5th.
Maybe it's as far away as 10th, come to think of it.
To be perfectly honest, you DO make me happy.
VERY happy.
When I talk to you, my cheeks hurt from all of the damned happiness.
So this is an odd melange of things, isn't it?
Doomed to be last.
Unable to walk away.
Unwilling to step foot on the things we ignore.
So I guess I just stay here and stand in one place.
Maybe the line will grow shorter.
Or maybe I'll get too tired.
And simply forget.
That might be better in the end, anyway.

Writer's Block: Sarah Palin?

Is Sarah Palin a shrewd choice for the Republican Party, or is she a liability?
She's a twit.  She wears a polar bear pin for a press conference, then wants to take polar bears off of the endangered species list.  Fucking twit.  Besides, the only reason she was nominated was because she's a woman.  The Neo-Cons think that women can be "bought", so to speak.  And that's disgusting.  Just because there is a woman on the ballot and I am a woman doesn't mean I am going to vote for her.  End of story.  People with intelligence vote for a candidate based upon their credentials or view points, not JUST because a candidate is a woman, or black, or French, or from Mars.  Gender, race, sexuality, and religion should have NOTHING to do with how well a person will or will not run the country.  Unfortunately, not many of my fellow countrymen and women believe that.  Yet another reason why I am moving to another country within the year.  :-)
And just for the record, I didn't care all that much for Hillary, either.
As Jay Leno so eloquently put, "If God has wanted us to vote he would have given us candidates."

Writer's Block: What You'd Accomplish if Success Was Guaranteed

Knowing beforehand that you wouldn't fail, what would you attempt to do?
I would accomplish something completely and totally superficial- hitting on Ville Valo.  XD  I'm not gonna lie.  I mean come on!  Tell me you wouldn't do the EXACT same thing.  XD

Just look at that!  Beauty, brains, and talent all in one.  *SWOON*

Writer's Block: You and A Fictional Character of Your Choice

If you were stranded on an island with a fictional character, who would it be and why?
Lestat de Lioncourt from The Vampire Chronicles.  That man is HOT HOT HOT.  And he could turn me into a vamp, but because he is so powerful, I wouldn't have the massive hunger that normal just-born vampires do.

Wow............I know WAY too much about this shit.  XD